It was a psychiatrist that conspired with my controller when he prescribed EMSAM circa 2008. Within the first week, I went to 165lbs to 115. In the following weeks, I transformed into a golem like character. Scars all over my face and body, 5 day stretches of zero sleep and zero food and hardly any hydration to speak of. This went on for four goddamn years. Living in the house of my family, along side my narcissist controller. I even spent a week in the “looney bin” because of the effect on the drug. Guess who was the in house psychiatrist? The very same that prescribed me the drug. You’d think he’d see my appearance and decide to take me off of the drug immediately, which converts into methamphetamine metabolites in vitro, an interesting tid bit I dare say. I literally looked like the worst of the worst Faces of Meth mug shots, tho I’ve never used meth. The irony was brutal The thought of what I looked like never passed through my mind during the 4 years I was on EMSAM. It completely removed my depression for which I was prescribed the drug in the 7th place after many years of many SSRIs and SNRIs. it’s hard to feel anything let alone depression when you’re losing your mind and total sense of self including a state of absolute zero love that was supposed to be there for me. The family I so dearly loved were witnesses to all of this, and did nothing to stop it after seeing me drop to 115 in a weeks time. This is just a small but darkest time of my life full of sorrow and suffering. If I had a choice, I’d rather have been born into a poverty stricken country. Free from the medical lunatics that pervade every aspect of post modern American society. Losing oneself at the hands of a “Do no harm” hypocritic oath taker flying monkey of a narcissist of the highest order just doesn’t sit well with me. I needed help and hell is what they gave me.
Make no mistake, I have immense gratitude for every experience of my life, especially the difficult ones. These are the signs and symbols I use to put back together my shattered soul. Smoke em if you got em as they say.
What’s really crazy, in fact possibly insane, I just recently started up with another psychiatrist after a decade and a half after that one evil fuck. Why would I be doing this? I wouldn’t if I had any free will. My entire life, especially my emotions, are controlled and dictated by you should know who by now, if that message wasn’t clear enough as is.
My post EMSAM life is nothing but lying in bed all day and night, only getting up to feed myself and piss and shit as needed. Every single passion of mine is gone from my younger days. My motivation and reward system left completely decimated by the EMSAM. The only thing that drives me is the hope of an endless dreamless sleep. This isn’t to say I am at all depressed. Realizing that the so-called depression was manufactured in what I can only assume to be the forges of cruelty and hatred. The very same that produced the narcissistic entity that I can’t help but try and empathize, for that is my primary function from the day I entered this busted ass world. How could they be so cruel? Is the question I ask myself on a daily basis. The love I have to share becomes a heavy burden with every waking and dreaming moment of my existence. If I could understand why someone so dear to me, would do such things to me, the puzzle that is my life would be complete. Perhaps my next life I would be born a narcissist of the same highest order. Full empathetic deconstruction.
But I digress, I am at a loss for words to accurately and appropriately respond to your recommendation. I understand the need to tell people like me such things, for it is programmed into the societal American society at both ends. Your response is quite typical and should be expected but I don’t expect anything when my thoughts come pouring out. It is the release that I’m focused on, but I’d be lying if I’d say some responses to my shares reopen my spiritual wounds for a moment or two, a day or two at the most extreme. This is nothing I can’t handle but it sure as shit doesn’t feel to great.
All I can offer is warnings at this juncture. If it happened to me, then others like me are out there and it is my instinctual duty to assist in preventing more potential unwarranted suffering.
To end this “rant” on a seemingly lighter yet unbelievable note. A few years back, I noticed that the drug EMSAM was removed from my medical history. Wtf was I? An unknowing participant in a secret human drug testing experiment? Clearly, any kind credibility is of my experience isn’t great for the medical lunatics in charge of the “scientific” experiment. That’s the only explanation I can come up with.
The logic isn’t logic-ing. I don’t mean to antagonize you out of some schadenfreude or malice, but I do believe that sometimes passively accepting nonsense can be a form of tacit approval which becomes enablement. It’s a normal thing to have a desire to construct a narrative that is gentle to ourselves, but such a construction needs to stay as close to reality as one can possibly muster, which can be difficult. Oftentimes the harshest isn’t even the acceptance of a terrible situation, but that our own imperfect decision-making might’ve enabled some aspect of those situations and could be improved. I don’t doubt for a second that your mental health journey has been hell, nor that you have had toxic people around you, nor that professionals and close ones have failed you. This including the strong possibilty of bad prescriptions and their side effects. What I am saying is that you don’t have to go to the same professionals, you don’t have to get the same prescriptions (or possibly any, depending), and you should fight harder to keep your own agency. Finding good psychiatrists, good therapists, good advice, and good support isn’t easy and can take a while but it can be done. At least consider the possibilty, you sound plenty smart to do so. Fully removing yourself from the equation - however relieving of inwardly-eroding negative feelings of guilt or sadness, shame, anger, et cetera - only serves to dig you further in the hole.
It was a psychiatrist that conspired with my controller when he prescribed EMSAM circa 2008. Within the first week, I went to 165lbs to 115. In the following weeks, I transformed into a golem like character. Scars all over my face and body, 5 day stretches of zero sleep and zero food and hardly any hydration to speak of. This went on for four goddamn years. Living in the house of my family, along side my narcissist controller. I even spent a week in the “looney bin” because of the effect on the drug. Guess who was the in house psychiatrist? The very same that prescribed me the drug. You’d think he’d see my appearance and decide to take me off of the drug immediately, which converts into methamphetamine metabolites in vitro, an interesting tid bit I dare say. I literally looked like the worst of the worst Faces of Meth mug shots, tho I’ve never used meth. The irony was brutal The thought of what I looked like never passed through my mind during the 4 years I was on EMSAM. It completely removed my depression for which I was prescribed the drug in the 7th place after many years of many SSRIs and SNRIs. it’s hard to feel anything let alone depression when you’re losing your mind and total sense of self including a state of absolute zero love that was supposed to be there for me. The family I so dearly loved were witnesses to all of this, and did nothing to stop it after seeing me drop to 115 in a weeks time. This is just a small but darkest time of my life full of sorrow and suffering. If I had a choice, I’d rather have been born into a poverty stricken country. Free from the medical lunatics that pervade every aspect of post modern American society. Losing oneself at the hands of a “Do no harm” hypocritic oath taker flying monkey of a narcissist of the highest order just doesn’t sit well with me. I needed help and hell is what they gave me.
Make no mistake, I have immense gratitude for every experience of my life, especially the difficult ones. These are the signs and symbols I use to put back together my shattered soul. Smoke em if you got em as they say.
What’s really crazy, in fact possibly insane, I just recently started up with another psychiatrist after a decade and a half after that one evil fuck. Why would I be doing this? I wouldn’t if I had any free will. My entire life, especially my emotions, are controlled and dictated by you should know who by now, if that message wasn’t clear enough as is.
My post EMSAM life is nothing but lying in bed all day and night, only getting up to feed myself and piss and shit as needed. Every single passion of mine is gone from my younger days. My motivation and reward system left completely decimated by the EMSAM. The only thing that drives me is the hope of an endless dreamless sleep. This isn’t to say I am at all depressed. Realizing that the so-called depression was manufactured in what I can only assume to be the forges of cruelty and hatred. The very same that produced the narcissistic entity that I can’t help but try and empathize, for that is my primary function from the day I entered this busted ass world. How could they be so cruel? Is the question I ask myself on a daily basis. The love I have to share becomes a heavy burden with every waking and dreaming moment of my existence. If I could understand why someone so dear to me, would do such things to me, the puzzle that is my life would be complete. Perhaps my next life I would be born a narcissist of the same highest order. Full empathetic deconstruction.
But I digress, I am at a loss for words to accurately and appropriately respond to your recommendation. I understand the need to tell people like me such things, for it is programmed into the societal American society at both ends. Your response is quite typical and should be expected but I don’t expect anything when my thoughts come pouring out. It is the release that I’m focused on, but I’d be lying if I’d say some responses to my shares reopen my spiritual wounds for a moment or two, a day or two at the most extreme. This is nothing I can’t handle but it sure as shit doesn’t feel to great.
All I can offer is warnings at this juncture. If it happened to me, then others like me are out there and it is my instinctual duty to assist in preventing more potential unwarranted suffering.
To end this “rant” on a seemingly lighter yet unbelievable note. A few years back, I noticed that the drug EMSAM was removed from my medical history. Wtf was I? An unknowing participant in a secret human drug testing experiment? Clearly, any kind credibility is of my experience isn’t great for the medical lunatics in charge of the “scientific” experiment. That’s the only explanation I can come up with.
I am rooted in truth.
The logic isn’t logic-ing. I don’t mean to antagonize you out of some schadenfreude or malice, but I do believe that sometimes passively accepting nonsense can be a form of tacit approval which becomes enablement. It’s a normal thing to have a desire to construct a narrative that is gentle to ourselves, but such a construction needs to stay as close to reality as one can possibly muster, which can be difficult. Oftentimes the harshest isn’t even the acceptance of a terrible situation, but that our own imperfect decision-making might’ve enabled some aspect of those situations and could be improved. I don’t doubt for a second that your mental health journey has been hell, nor that you have had toxic people around you, nor that professionals and close ones have failed you. This including the strong possibilty of bad prescriptions and their side effects. What I am saying is that you don’t have to go to the same professionals, you don’t have to get the same prescriptions (or possibly any, depending), and you should fight harder to keep your own agency. Finding good psychiatrists, good therapists, good advice, and good support isn’t easy and can take a while but it can be done. At least consider the possibilty, you sound plenty smart to do so. Fully removing yourself from the equation - however relieving of inwardly-eroding negative feelings of guilt or sadness, shame, anger, et cetera - only serves to dig you further in the hole.